Advent #6

by andrewcurnow1971, posted in Christmas, Family, Pets

My wife has a passion for fish.

I don’t mean in the “haddock or cod, salt and vinegar with it?” variety; I mean actual – that is to say, alive – fish. In a tank. Or tankS, rather. I don’t know what started it, but there are now two in our sitting-room and she finds it fascinating to just sit and watch them. So does her little dog for that matter. (My wife has a passion for dogs.)

It’s handy when somebody is really ‘into’ something, in the sense that it’s a useful starting-point for present-buying. It can be a double-edged sword of course, there’s the danger of somebody ending up with seven ‘Luke Skywalker in Bespin Fatigues’ figures, and would anybody actually wear Tom Baker underpants anyway?

That aside, now that she has a real passion for keeping fish it opens up a whole range of present-buying possibilities for me this Christmas. Not the obvious (difficult to wrap plus they make the paper soggy) but it’s surprising just how much paraphernalia and add-ons and the like there is in the fishkeeping world.

Current image: A fish tank, bubbles floating up, blue gravel, orange fish.

Not just sunken diver figurines or plastic fronds either. I was amazed to discover how much water testing and chemical adjustment is required, for example. Often when Mrs C’s regaling me with the pH levels, or the distinction between nitrItes and nitrAtes, it reminds me of the bit in 1981’s K9 & Company when they suddenly start talking about soil pH levels (I always assume that bit was added in as a cynical move to sex it up and get the kids interested).

So anyway, I now have a few ideas for Christmas presents. Hopefully it won’t look too suspicious if a number of parcels start being delivered – I wouldn’t want her to think there’s something fishy going on.

A bronze-coloured padlock & keys

Advent #5

by andrewcurnow1971, posted in Christmas
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We have a storage unit.

I don’t mean that I’ve relabelled our spare room for tax purposes, I mean an actual storage unit. Padlocked, in the depths of a big building, all corridors and no windows and motion-activated lighting. There’s a goods lift and everything.

It came about last year when our daughter needed to move back in with us, with the result that we were suddenly confronted with the idea of having to squeeze two households worth of stuff into just the one household. To be honest I am a bit of a squirrel, so given time I suspect I would have been equal to the challenge (it is a fact that there is an entire cabin bed under our stairs). Nevertheless, in the circumstances, and to cut a long story short, we rented a storage unit.

Come last January, partway through its traditional journey from ‘stood up in the window’ to ‘back in its box’ it occurred to me that rather than returning the decorations to the cupboards from whence they came, we could instead lock it all away (like the first wife in Jane Eyre (sorry if you’ve not got to that bit yet)).

So that’s what we did.

Artificial tree, tinsel, decorations, the lot – all tucked away out of sight and out of mind. Until, of course, December comes around. Er, came around.

Meaning that in the next week or so, and feel free to picture it like Howard Carter breaching the tomb of Tutankhamun (but without the curse or the imperialist sacking of an ancient culture (well, hopefully without)) I shall be venturing just across the border to exhume our decorations.

So anyway, decoration-wise, that’s what’s in store!

Advent #4

by andrewcurnow1971, posted in Christmas, Family

One of my favourite Christmas Days of ‘the modern era’ was 2018, when Mum, Dad and Auntie came up to us at Curnow Towers.

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At the time we had a rather fancy wooden dining table (which we’d inherited (sort of) from our neighbour) and having an unprecedented six people at lunch meant that we could finally justify pulling it out to its full length. This involved pulling the leaves to either side and adding in ‘The Extension’, an additional piece usually stored underneath the table but which on such occasions would rise up, somewhat in the style of Thunderbird 1, and fill the gap.

It was a very exciting moment (FAB even) but although in fact I’d been waiting for an opportunity to do it ever since we first had the table, that’s not why I recall 2018 so fondly. What was really so nice about 2018 was just the company, having a meal, having a chat, having a laugh (and yes, having quite a lot of Quality Street as well (and presents!)).

2018 feels very recent, but life comes at you fast as they say. Somehow it’s 7 years later and we’ve never managed a repeat. The following year, my other half was booked to be away housesitting so I expected to be away with her for the day – unfortunately at the eleventh hour it was all called off, as her client had an accident and couldn’t go away after all (life comes at you fast indeed). 2020 was Covid of course; and that was an event that DID manage a repeat, in 2021…

Well, and anyway here we are, and now it’s 2025.

Gosh, life comes at you fast doesn’t it. 

Advent #3

by andrewcurnow1971, posted in 1980s, BBC, Christmas, Doctor Who, TV
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Having cynically poo-poo’d it a couple of years back I’ve given in to temptation and, almost four decades since I last saw it, am rewatching The Box of Delights.

It’s a sprawling six-part tale of time travelling and villainy (a bit like Doctor Who) and  belongs to a more innocent time – not just its period setting of England between the wars (and a rather upper-class England at that); but also in the sense that it was made in the early-eighties.

As such its special effects, though expensive for the time, are often a case of ambition outstripping technology (a bit like Doctor Who). Of course, back in the day it was accepted that you entered into the viewing contract with an agreement to suspend your disbelief where necessary. But nevertheless, I can assure you that nobody was convinced by the cartoon creatures added to the live-action footage, nor by actors got up in mouse or rat costumes. No, not even back in the naïve eighties.

But it has a superbly-haunting theme tune (a spooky rendering of The First Nowell in the opening titles, a stirring full-on orchestra version over the end credits) and a cracking first episode… Alas, the other five struggle and ultimately fail to live up to the promise of the opener. A bit like Doctor Who (The Web Planet/Underworld/Etc).

It also has a lot of snow, and a lot of warmth, and with its tale of wizards and magic, of kidnapped clerics and cathedral choirs, it’s brimful of Christmas spirit.

Not to mention the cast list. Robert Stephens as the villain. A lovely turn by James Grout as the village policeman. And as the mysterious showman Cole Hawlings… Well, I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed but he looks, well…

A bit like Doctor Who.

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Advent #2

by andrewcurnow1971, posted in 1970s, Carlisle, Childhood, Christmas, Family

I’ve often waxed lyrical (or at least waxed) about the Palitoy cardboard Death Star that I got for Christmas 1978. I don’t recall, though, making much of the Palitoy Cantina which followed it a year later.

I’ve heard Mum say she was rather disappointed with it (maybe I just didn’t let her play with it enough) but I have to say it’s not a feeling I share. It was, I’ll admit, not as sturdy as the Death Star, but it was a lovely little set, and especially since it came at the end of the year when a second batch of figures had been released. Having struggled to explain why they were to be found lurking in the corridors of the Death Star, suddenly it made perfect sense for Snaggletooth, Greedo, Hammerhead and Walrus Man to be hanging out down the local bar like the extras in Cheers (“Hey, what’s goin’ on Mr Snaggletooth?”)

A 1970s Star Wars playset, of the Cantina featured in the film. It is in orange plastic with a cardboard backdrop illustrated with various creatures from the film. Behind the playset is the original box it came in.

(This isn’t really relevant but whenever I think of the Cantina, it always reminds me that one of the great moments in my Primary School life, and somewhat reminiscent of a song by The Kinks, was the day they knocked down the Canteen. Nowadays it would be done during the holidays when there was no risk of children being anywhere near it. In 1979… To be honest, I’m not even sure they had a fence up.)

1980 of course gave us The Empire Strikes Back (and a whole lot more toys to go with it) But back in 1979, Star Wars was just one self-contained, standalone film, in which the planet Tatooine isn’t even named, and in which nobody was the least bit bothered about who might conceivably be anybody’s father.

1979 was, well, a long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away). 

Advent #1

by andrewcurnow1971, posted in Christmas, Moaning
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Sometimes Christmas creeps up on you slowly. Mince pies for sale. Annuals in the shops. Even just that certain tingly thrill in the air.

Sometimes, however, it punches you hard in the face without warning at quarter past eight on the fith of November which was exactly what happened this year when Radio 2 decided that was the day to premier Kylie Minogue’s new Christmas song.

For the avoidance of doubt, this isn’t some sexy clubsound floor filler, over which a wily producer has cynically added a few sleigh bells to cash in on the season – it’s a full-blown, full-on, unashamedly Christmasy Christmas song. It is called, in case there remained any uncertainty, X-M-A-S. And apparently it’s just one of FOUR (!) new songs on the updated re-release of Kylie’s 2015 Christmas album, one of the others being called “Office Party”. The mind boggles (and what even rhymes with ‘photocopier’ anyway?).

Much, much too early – and yet somehow, in some way, the floodgates opened then and there. Within a week I was getting emails from Waitrose promoting their Christmas food (one came with the ever-so-slightly-menacing subject line, “Mince pies are just the beginning”). By the following week there were not just trees in people’s houses but outside lights too, and I found myself ordering from the Christmas menu at Wetherspoons. By the time Doctor Who was celebrating its 62nd Birthday (23rd November (of course)) even my brother had his Christmas tree up.

The upshot of all that being, I guess, never mind “it’s December 1st, here we go”  – the countdown to Christmas has been going on for almost a month already!

As for Kylie, is X-M-A-S catchy enough to net her the coveted Christmas number one slot…?

She should be so lucky.

A Stupid I.D.ea..?

by andrewcurnow1971, posted in Little Bit Of Politics, Moaning, Money

I have to assume Keir Starmer ISN’T an idiot.

I appreciate that there are countless examples of people in high positions who are patently unsuited to their roles, but Starmer was on top of his brief as Shadow Brexit Secretary, he was formerly Director of Public Prosecutions… Surely he CAN’T be stupid?

But he does make it awfully hard to believe that.

The latest idea to bubble to the top is Digital ID Cards, something not even in the wind Wednesday, rumoured Thursday, and announced Friday. Setting aside the “is he or isn’t he a thicko” debate, I admire his willingness to announce schemes that NOBODY wants. Freezing the pensioners, playing swapsies with the French, and now this.

Digital ID Cards are absolutely essential (apparently) to crack down on illegal immigrants, by preventing them working in the UK. (We presumably have to set aside the implication that therefore he’s giving up on stopping them actually getting here in the first place.) Because employers will need to check ID before employing anybody.

I mean, yes, I guess, on the face of it, maybe, that does sound reasonable. But alas, only if you are (as suggested above) a stupid idiot. Because he would surely only announce such a scheme if he was somehow blissfully aware that we already have the National Insurance number. That is, a UNIQUE number for EVERY person, used by every employer for every employee on the PAYE system.

In the old days, I’ll accept, it would be pretty easy to fake that – we all know the format so giving your new boss a credible number would be child’s play (they don’t call me Mr AM 44 51 28 C for nothing). But for at least the past decade each time an employer runs their payroll they have to submit it electronically to HMRC.

In other words, it is now easy for HMRC to check that ALL the numbers on ALL the payrolls in ALL the UK are correct. Not just correct, it should also be easy to check that each NI numbers is only being used once. Being a UNIQUE number it would be pretty easy for an exceptions report to highlight any number linked to a worker in Dumfries AND also somebody drawing a pension in Sidmouth, or signing on in Maidstone. The optimist in me would like to think there’s ALREADY such a report (because in a sense, if nobody is actually checking anything, why are we submitting payrolls to HMRC in the first place?) but even if there isn’t, I suspect any half-decent programmer could get one knocked up in a morning.

The problem with the system, presumably, is that (shock!) sometimes employers DON’T put people through their PAYE system. Or, less illegally, maybe they use self-employed workers. Self-employed workers do of course also need an NI number for their tax returns. But at the risk of being branded a cynic, if I was working illegally, in a country I wasn’t supposed to be in, I probably WOULDN’T bother submitting a tax return.

At a time when we’re constantly being beaten around the head with the fact that there’s not enough money for repairing schools, recruiting dentists, heating pensioners, it constantly surprises me how much money apparently IS lying around for what feel increasingly like another of Homer Simpson’s “crazy schemes”. If checking up on illegal workers really is a big thing, then it’s surely cheaper & quicker to make the current NI system work properly, than to implement and enforce a whole NEW system. And if the reason is that they can’t make THAT system work, why on Earth do they expect more success with a NEW one?!

It’s almost a secondary point but the other puzzling thing is that, despite it being so vitally important, the intention is only for the Digital ID scheme to be in place by the end of this parliament. To me “I can get it done in four years” doesn’t smack of urgency – but it does slightly have the feel of, if there’s any problem with it at least it won’t be MY problem.

Hmm. Maybe he’s NOT so stupid after all.

Advent #24

by andrewcurnow1971, posted in Christmas, Doctor Who, Family, Friends, TV

I recently discovered that “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” is only half a saying (wasn’t that a Tommy Steel musical?). The full Wilde-ism runs, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness” which has a rather different connotation. Likewise, poor old money gets a bad press, but actually it’s THE LOVE OF money that is the root of all evil.

Similarly: I often cite Frasier from the final episode of Cheers, saying “Time goes by, so fast. People move in and out of your life. You must never miss an opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you” – which is a worthy and insightful observation from Boston’s premier psychiatrist… But the significant detail is that he fails to follow his own advice, and remains silent. It’s advice that’s easier to agree with than to act on – I think so anyway (other than one uncharacteristic moment several years ago, in the freezer aisle at Tesco).

Not that I want to give the impression my entire life philosophy is founded on sitcoms, but… One of the great sitcom moments is in The Vicar of Dibley where boring old Frank, broadcasting on Radio Dibley, begins his show, “I first discovered I was gay…” He goes on to say how he has wanted to tell his friends for years, but is now finally able to from behind a microphone.

I suppose it’s just that one step of removal, and perhaps it’s the same with ‘social media’ – easier to write it down, easier to make sure we express ourselves correctly (“I do hope I do it all right” as Joyce Grenfell said). 

So with that in mind, with the hope that we’ve all made it safely to harbour once again,  I’d like to wish you a good Christmas. Whether you celebrate the true spirit of the season (ie, watch the Doctor Who Christmas special) or if you’re a non-believer; whatever you’re doing and whoever you’re doing it with, I hope you have a peaceful and relaxing and enjoyable time of it.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good night.

You Have Been Reading

x

Advent #23

by andrewcurnow1971, posted in Christmas, Family, Moaning

It’s just an opinion, but I think the tide may have turned against the Christmas card.

Don’t get me wrong, ours have been sent out as usual (both of them). But we’ve only received three, which is less than previous years. I’m choosing to take that as a positive (as opposed to an “are we sending one to that old grump this year?!”). Not necessarily a positive in the sense that finally people are coming round to my way of thinking, but at least in the sense that in the modern age when we’re worried about natural resources and we have other means of communication, maybe the humble Christmas card (humble in isolation, not so humble if Google is correct in telling me the UK sends over a billion (!) each year) has had its day.

I appreciate there’s a lot of employment generated by the greetings card industry. And yes, true, it keeps the Post Office and the Royal Mail busy. But apart from that, what have the Romans ever d– Sorry, no, what has THE CHRISTMAS CARD ever done for us?

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My cousin and her wife have rather brilliantly side-stepped the whole knotty problem, and their ‘cards’ always arrive in the form of decorations of some sort. This year’s, for example, is a stylised Christmas tree. Or at least, it is now we’ve got the hang of the assembly instruction and put it together properly (there may have been just a hint of Celia Imrie and Victoria Wood’s, “apply to bracket D with flange channel outermost” to proceedings). After Christmas it will join its predecessors, and go back in the box of decorations ready to be reused next year. Brilliant.

Anyway – that’s quite enough rambling on from me.

I wouldn’t want you to get card-bored!!

Advent #22

by andrewcurnow1971, posted in BBC, Christmas, TV
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Although Morecambe & Wise are a Christmas institution I’m slightly too young (yes, you heard me!) to remember them at the time. No, if I associate any comedy duo with Christmas, it’s more likely to be The Two Ronnies.

Nowadays, like Eric & Ern, we tend to get ‘Best Of’ compilations of Ronnie & Ronnie, meaning we’re used to seeing great sketch after great sketch (and perhaps giving the misleading view that EVERY one was a classic).

Four Candles of course. But also the Mastermind sketch, a clever idea brilliantly exploited. Ditto the phone booth sketch, and F.U.N.E.X. Then there’s the two tramps (“I’d be richer than Rockefeller”) and my particular favourites the two guys in the… What, in the thick of it?…In the know, do you mean?… No, in the pub, the two guys in the pub.

What I love is that on the one hand Ronnie Corbett is ALWAYS Ronnie Corbett, whether he’s playing a businessman, a bus driver, or a housewife (that’s not an insult, they used to say the same thing about Humphrey Bogart (well maybe not the housewife)). Whereas Ronnie Barker is NEVER Ronnie Barker. He’s always so immersed in the part that he sounds different, he looks different, he moves in a different way…

But of course that contrast is the nature of the Two Ronnies, who weren’t really a ‘traditional’ double-act at all. Two individual comedians brought together by the BBC, brilliant together, able to go off and be brilliant on their own. Meaning they are a different kettle of fish to Morecambe & Wise, and meaning there’s plenty of space for both of them (all four of them!) at Christmas – whether they’re bringing us sunshine, or bringing us just a few late items of news!

And with that, it’s goodnight from him.